i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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