I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
