I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
