he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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