Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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