Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
