I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
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You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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