And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
