He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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