Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
