Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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