My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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