saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
