Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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