Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
