I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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