I wish I could teleport
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
