Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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