My brain says no but my pants say off.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
