A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
