I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
