If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
