New invention idea: vibrating tampons
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
