Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
