what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
