Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
is that a dick in a sweater?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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