she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
