I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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