I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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