rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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