I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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