honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
