You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
