she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
