Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
