Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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