I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
