Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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