If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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