Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
