You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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