I smell stomach acid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
