did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
