I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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