i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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