I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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