I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
