don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
