you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
