We named our party play list daddy issues
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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