I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
