if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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