sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
