Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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