I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
