failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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