We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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