Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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