the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
